Feeling...well...OK

          I haven’t posted lately. For some reason I feel the need to post more often when I’m not feeling well. Lately, I feel OK.  I had surgery a few weeks ago. I’ve been laid up on Percocet for three weeks and for some reason my depression has been tolerable. I say OK but I did just get out of the psych. ward a few days before Christmas. That was a mistake. Overdose again.

My fifth overdose. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get really depressed and my first move is to overdose. Find the worst medication I have and overdose. At least I didn’t get a stomach pump this time.

Anyway, back to feeling good. All of us with mental health issues should cherish the good times but I can’t help thinking that something is just around the corner. Depression seems to come back every time I think everything is OK. That’s the name of the game in the wonderful world of mental illness. See you next time. I’ll try to do better.

The Prison I’m In

I’ve noticed lately that many people with co morbid disorders with anxiety especially have a fear of leaving home or sometimes even leaving whatever room they are comfortable in. I have this problem. My room is my prison. I am disabled with bipolar disorder and have severe anxiety. If it wasn’t for doctor and therapist appointments I wouldn’t leave the house or even my room. My room is my comfort zone.  

That’s not completely true. I go outside to smoke. I somehow manage to smoke a pack a day out there. But, I quit all the drugs and stopped drinking. Smoking is my last addiction and I can’t seem to find the want to quit stage.

I also manage to occasionally go to Half Price Books and find psychology books. I’m looking for the answer to fix my disorder. I know if there really was an answer the professionals that I see would tell me. But that doesn’t keep me from constantly looking. It’s all in vain but I feel like if I wasn’t looking then I would be giving up and I will never give up. If you have the answer then please let us all know.  That's it for this post, please share your thoughts.

Whose Pain is Worse?

The answer to this question was made most clearly by a nurse I knew who worked “in the trenches” so to speak. She said that every ones pain was worse. Or if you are experiencing it then it is bad. She treats everyone the same. She has to. She works with people with all kinds of physical and to a lesser extent mental pain every day. So I would say she would know best.

In the mental health realm it stands just as true. Every person’s pain is worse. Or if you’re experiencing it then it is bad. We should all take mental health issues this way. Never, and I mean never, say that you’re pain is worse because… to a person with a mental illness. This is the last thing they want to, or need to, hear. What I want to, or need to, hear is what can you do to help me. I don’t want to live this way.  I want help not a pissing contest.  If you can’t help me then just leave out the “my pain is worse” contest and walk away. Be constructive or just shut up.

And that’s all I have to say or want to ever hear on the subject. Sorry I’m so short this week. I’ll try to do better next time.

Finding Things to Do

As someone who’s who is disabled it is hard to find something to do every day. Depression is causing me to sleep and not do anything. I am disabled with bipolar disorder. Not working makes it easier to do the things I need to do to manage my disorder. This sounds easier than it is. You would think I could find something to do like learn to play guitar, learn to draw, and  write  a book. Easier said than done. I get grand ideas when I’m manic, and don’t feel like doing anything when I’m depressed. That’s probably why it is so long between posts here.

All my doctors tell me that I should exercise. I have started using a TENs unit and exercising regularly. This helps some but I don’t get the results mentally that they claim I should get. Maybe I don’t exercise enough to see the benefits. My physical therapist is concentrating on my lower back which is twisted and has a bad disk. This causes me to have sleep problems. lf you have a mental disorder you know, or should know, that good sleep habits are crucial.

So here I am thinking of something that will give me some sense of accomplishment.  And trying not to commit suicide. This blog is part of me getting a sense of accomplishment and I have started to learn to draw, and exercise some. I’m still struggling with all these things. But I’m getting better (baby steps). Please leave a  comment  and let me know how you’re doing with this.

 

Bipolar Disorder is a Roller Coaster

For me, my bipolar disorder is like a roller coaster. The best I can do is try to smooth out the ups and downs to a level that is acceptable to me. I do this by medication, therapy, good sleep hygiene, and exercise. Sometimes this is not enough and I end up in the hospital with either uncontrolled mania or depression. The trick is to find the right combination of medication so that I can level out enough for therapy and lifestyle changes or work.

For all those people that think medication doesn’t work and the big pharma companies are just “out to get us”, I say bull ****. Granted they do want to make money, but they are just like any other company, in that they want to make a profit. I don’t blame them for that any more than other companies. They are providing medication that they think will to help people so that they can sell more medication. That’s ok with me.

I know that some medications don’t help or might even make things worse. Finding the right medication(s) is extremely important and hard to do. Most people have to try several medications before they find the one that works. Sometimes people have to try lots of meds before they find the right one. I have personally have tried a lot of meds and therapy, ECT treatments and lifestyle changes. Together they have helped me to even out my moods so that I can live a life worth living; at least for now. Things change.

There is no easy answer. I’m sorry but bipolar disorder is hard to deal with. You will have to work to control it. Be strong and fight for it.  Better days are ahead.

Another Week in the Psych Ward

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post. Unfortunately, I had to spend the last week in the psych (behavioral health) ward of my local hospital. For me, this is still embarrassing even after all of the various stays I've had. I can't get over the shame of having to admit that I'm not strong enough and I need professional help. Learning to admit that I need help before I attempt suicide has been an enormous step in my struggle with bipolar disorder and more specifically the depression that comes along with it. It's been a long strange trip just to get to that point.

The hospital I go to has a lot to offer including group therapy, individual therapy, an available social worker, and of course medication management. Sometimes dealing with the doctor over exactly what changes in your medications are needed can become a seemingly futile experience. Necessary, but aggravating at times. The group therapy sessions can be hard to deal with. However, it sometimes helps to hear from other people that are going through the same things you are.

 If you are thinking of harming yourself, harming others, believe you need a huge medication change, you are going through some sort of psychosis, or you need some other form of mental health help; please go get help before it's too late. Besides, the psych ward is a good place to get a much needed vacation. It is helpful to clear your head, start thinking more clearly, then get back out there and take on life’s challenges again.

Do We Need Therapy?

I have recently started going to therapy. “Is this necessary” keeps running through my mind. Is this a bunch of rubbish or is there some validity to these sessions? I tend to read up on these things and my therapist is trying to correct Cognitive Behavioral Dysfunction. Maybe knowing what she’s doing is hurting my possible success.

I have been to Intensive Outpatient Therapy and Aftercare and Relapse Prevention before. If you don’t know about this it is extensive amounts of group therapy with the occasional one on one therapy. Most of the people that ran the groups I attended were CDAC’s (Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselors). They try their best to conduct groups that help you with finding ways to get off and stay off drugs and alcohol. Yes, it boring as hell but if you try to participate they do have value.

Weekly forty five minute sessions are a whole other thing. So far I like her ok. This is very important. If you don’t like your therapist then you probably won’t open up to them and share your most personal information. That sharing is really what makes the whole thing tic. If you don’t open up you might as well save your money and stay at home. Most therapists are good at what they do. You might not like some of the things they make you do and/or think but if you give it a try it just might help.

 Therapy is a great thing. It is not, however, the cure all that everyone is looking for. Neither is medication, TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy), lifestyle changes, or any other single thing. A combination of things all contribute to your success in battling bipolar disorder.